of waking up earlier and working out in the morning, between 6:30-7, doing some free weights in the house, and crunches. I'm loving it. Already my butt has been feeling (and maybe looking) better, and fitting better in my undies, so that makes me happy. I had one of those enlightening moments while playing Mario Kart last night with Jeff. Something to assuage my fears a bit and, hopefully, help keep as a key to rationalization in the future. Maybe it is all simple. For real.
My goal next week, along with continuing this work out trend, is to find some suitable therapy options. One of my former coworkers pointed me to another resource I had forgotten was a possibility, so there may be some more avenues to check out.
I thought waking up earlier would be hard. For the summer, it's pretty easy. It's nice for it to be sunny and warm out. I do anticipate a slowing down of this trend as it gets darker and rainier, but I just expect that to happen rather than beat myself up over it. Cyclical. It's all cyclical.
- it's been 1.5 weeks...
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
rostin79- July 10th, 10:18
- sigh
-
- rostin79
- June 19th, 0:16
i can't believe it. I just spent the last two nights hanging out with Fred Schneider of the B-52s. The show was excellent, and he was a lot of fun to hang out with. I got to meet Kate Pierson as well after the show. I'm still sort of reeling in it. The best highlight was bringing Brian and Fred back to his hotel in Jeff's escort wagon. Chez Gaudy served us an excellent dinner. The Crescent was a tragic riot. A fabulous evening. Thanks, aligning stars! And my iphone comes tomorrow! :)
- time for an update
-
- rostin79
- March 12th, 11:37
it's been awhile, and it's been some interesting winter. a little bit of a sad one, and I’m happy to see the sun coming out and a bit of my mood going toward the positive. I've actually been quite frustrated with my work insurance. I have the benefit of some counseling, which I've actively sought out, only to be rejected so far by 3 doctors because they don't like my insurance. And the insurance company lists these people on their site as being covered. Apparently this insurance (United Behavioral Health, under United Health Care) does a crappy job of reimbursing the doctors, as my last doctor told me last summer. So they don't want to deal with the hoops they have to go through to get lower compensation for their work. Not that I blame them. I guess it comes down to this benefit being bunk, and I'll have to try others, or pay my own $$ to seek what I'm lookin for.
( So LJ may come to the rescue here, and I want to jot down what I'm finding. )
- hm
-
- rostin79
- February 4th, 14:21
I feel a little stuck. I'm not sure in what way, exactly. That's what i'm trying to figure out, but it feels in many ways. Job, relations, my habits, and activities. I'm working on using my mantra for the year, to just let be and go and be positive, but i have a somewhat negative feeling on this all. Negative as in what i'm currently doing may not be what's "best" for me, whatever that may mean. But I'm not sure what to change. There is still a notion of moving back east in my mind. There isn't really a notion of moving elsewhere in the country. I guess that could change, but I sort of feel if I plunk myself randomly in one spot, doing so in another will probably yeild the same results overall. People can be different, though. Maybe it's all too much generalization. But there is some sort of stuck feeling.
- what's goin on?
-
- rostin79
- January 8th, 13:57
Ringing in the New Year was fun. I feel a bit off in my routine over the last few weeks, between time off, work-from-home days because of the snow, and this being my first full week of work in what feels like ages. My hair is growing longer (and my sideburns are nuts right now...which i'm thankful for a haircut scheduled tomorrow).
If i were to make a resolution for the new year, it's to let go even more. it might be my attempt every year. Let go, let be, relax and let happen. Already i'm facing challenges in that light, but it can be good thing. expectations expectations. I've also noticed I have a noticeable (ha) food crash shortly after my workouts this week, which I've upped the ante on (and that isn't much overall, but it's a lot for me). Running intervals is a bit rough on the body, but i like the soreness. Hopefully the extra pounds on me now can be converted to muscle. We'll see what happens.
Work is work. Life is good, though a little restless. I think this winter, if it continues with the rain it's had, may be a challenge on my psyche. maybe the Seattle winters aren't for me in the long run. If I notice a continuing trend of craziness in the winter as I have the last few years, then it may end up being a temporary residence instead of a permanent one. We'll see on that one. But something i'm keeping in my mind. it would be kind of cool if ever 5+ years to relocate to somewhere else. I'm on 3 now, let's see where else i can go!
how you guys and gals be?
- it's mah birthday
-
- rostin79
- December 28th, 2008
eeeeeeeeeeeee!
- something of substance?
-
- rostin79
- December 8th, 2008
work is now chomping down on "Free time" and wanting to utilize all working moments to be toward work. Schedules are tighter, and much more "what are you working on now?" questions are coming through. It's not my favorite work style, and it's making me a little restless in terms of my work love, but I understand why it's there. then it becomes a matter of preference, I guess. And in these economic times, it seems like a lot of companies can try to use it to their advantage and saving themselves, blah blah blah. Enough work.
Jeff's Brian is back in town visiting a bit. Jeff and I picked him up Saturday morning (technically at 1 a.m.) and chatted a bunch and stuff once getting home, in bed around 3. Saturday was a sort of impromptu party at the house until 3 a.m. And weirdly, this time I didn't have my usual sleepies/crankies! though I have some lovely acne on my forehead. I did sleep excellently last night, so I think some mental relaxation stayed in tact while the partiness was going on. To think, me doing this! Hm, this post may not make much sense.
I might be in Montana for xmas. It's still TBD, but Brian will be there with his mom, Lisa is probably gonna go join, and jeff and I were invited. It sounds like it would be a hoot, but plane fares are not really attractive for it to be a cheapish trip, unless we want to get in there at midnight on xmas (which I don't mind, I just don't want to find their house at 2 a.m. in a place I don't know in snow). It's somewhere around Missoula, or at least that's the airport I'd be flying in. Maybe some cheap deals will come as the date crawls closer. I'd still love to go somewhere warm for xmas/my birthday. Keeping my eyes peeled.
Tomb Raider: Underworld for the PS3 is a bunch of fun to play. Worth starting Gamefly for :). We'll see how the other items in my queue fare, though, as most of them have "Low" availability.
And I’m happy to be near done with my photo blog thing. I updated a bunch of pics last night, and only like 24 more to go. woo hoo!
That's all I got for now. Happy December!
- opened-eyed mom
-
- rostin79
- November 19th, 2008
i just got off the phone talking to my mom. She was asking how to delete some pictures she had downloaded and some weirdness she was seeing. After fixing that she says "Okay, so how do i delete my browsing history? I see things up there like MANHUNT and DUDESNUDE. And people use my computer all the time. How can I get rid of them? I went to the sites to see what they were and oh-ho-ho. I figure they are your...unless they are your fathers..."
I laugh, and I'm red in the face, and tell her how to do it. I remember, when I was there, thinking I should, but also thinking "when will they ever look at browsing history?"
So this marks time 4 that something with me and gay sex has come up between my mom and I. How about a run down?
1. Finding my gay men's websites on her computer.
2. When visiting here last week, one of the cats (Gus) climbed in the bottom bathroom cabinet to rest (as he likes to do). I went to bed, and heard him come out and knock something over. I wake up and walkin the bathroom to find the empty Gun Oil lube bottle sitting on the bathroom counter.
3. When I moved out west, I first lived at home for a month in between, and brought all my stuff there, including my sex toys. I hid it behind my old bookcase, figuring no one would look there. I move out west, and notice in November that I had forgotten it, and was anxious to get home for Christmas to retrieve it unaware. But instead, I get a call from mom about 2 weeks before christmas saying "Oh my god. I was cleaning your old room so when your niece comes it will be clean, and guess what I found?"
4. Me, 10 years old, home alone, masturbating on the couch, unaware, only to have my mom come in and find me hobbling up the stairs with my pants around my ankles.
It would be one thing if I had a means to do this to broaden their horizons and to be funny. But I'm actually just bad at covering my tracks. Sigh.
- the dream
-
- rostin79
- November 12th, 2008
I was in a science-type classroom, where you have the tall desks that seat two people throughout the classroom. and it felt like high school, though it felt a little college-esque as well. I'm sitting in the room filled with a bunch of young kids, and I feel like I’m young myself. And this kid sits next to me with dark, curly hair and some presence about him. I notice the other kids whispering as he sits down at my table, and I recognize him sort of. I think "Is that one of the Jonas brothers? I think it is, the middle one." But I can't think of his name. But my mind does a little bit of the celebrity sightings excitement of "OMG it's a celebrity!" but it's not taking over my mind. I play cool and casually ask him questions and chat with him about stuff. During the course of our conversation, some of the kids come up, and one guy gushes a bit as he talked to Nick (I had to look up this morning to figure out which one it was. The middle one, who is 16, of course), and I can tell Nick doesn't want to talk to these people, but isn't hating the attention either. But he's taking solace in me, I believe, liking the fact that I'm treating him like just a regular kid and talking about stuff rather than focusing on the celebrity of it all, and we laugh and joke around. And I begin to feel a bond with the kid in real friendship, and it felt cool. The dream felt like a long one, but it only took place in this classroom. No teacher ever showed up, and it was just us talking. But when I woke up, and even now, I feel like I made a new friend.
Strange. 16 year olds?
But one thing i think this does mean. Spencer, Matt, S. Chris, Hunter, Brett and respective others in Seattle, I want to hang out with you, and i miss hanging out with you guys. I just needed Nick Jonas to kick me to get off my lazy ass.
- Halloween
-
- rostin79
- November 3rd, 2008
It was a fucking blast. 2 parties, all excellent costumes. And best of all, Saturday then felt like a Sunday...so it felt like a longer weekend than usual. Plus the hour change.
Here are some pics:
Mainly from going out and the first party. I wish I had pics from the second one, but people's camera's had died by then. Running intospencert, yeswad and Shirtless Chris was excellent. Yay.
Oh last is shameless plug of new profile pic:
- cops!
-
- rostin79
- October 31st, 2008
that's what i'm dressing as tonight. A good ol' cop. I got the outfit from the uniform store, so this is the real thang! Nightstick, cuffs, shirt, pants, iron on badges (call me Lt. Johnson) and cop shades. Add Jeff's boots and hopefully some fun, and I think tonight could be lots of fun. And it all fits me well. I'm hoping to get some pics, as I haven't actually had it on for anyone to see yet.
I gotta trim up my beard for some side burn-chops and a goatee, George Michael cop style. oooooo. 2 parties tonight and some drinkies, y'all.
- The whole utah trip
-
- rostin79
- October 8th, 2008
took me awhile to type and stuff, but here it is. I had broken it up to 3 parts on another blog, so if there is any weirdness, that's why :)
( Here's the trip )
- Utah and what not
-
- rostin79
- October 7th, 2008
Last Saturday I got back from a trip with Jeffery and Donna to southern Utah where we saw:
Grand Canyon
Red Canyon
Bryce Canon
Willis Creek (slot canyons)
Lower Calf Creek Falls
Escalante, Utah (where we stayed).
Zion National Park
Vegas
lots and lots and lots of beautiful scenery.
Pictures don't do it justice. All I can really say is go there and see this stuff. I can't believe wind and water created all this magnificence in millions of years. Still hard to fathom.
Ah, it has me so relaxed.
Except for this news that the financial bailout didn't work. Does that men $700 billion down the drain?
- too good not to share
-
- rostin79
- September 25th, 2008
Somewhat SFW.
- Dolly
-
- rostin79
- September 24th, 2008
Dolly Parton has been on my mind a lot. This song in particular:
I played it last night alone in the house, dancing all over the living room as she rip-roars it toward the end. I think this song is one of the most over-played, though I haven't heard the Led Zeppelin original all that much. And Dolly had a knack for capturing me.
As does Jeffery. Today is the 2-year anniversary marker. At first, I was like "wow, 2 years!" and then I thought about it...and I got a little frustrated. I think about it like "wow, what an accomplishment" like it's a trial or endeavor to last this long. And a part of me wants to believe that, after XX amount of time, then it's a sure thing. It's a safe bet, and it won't go anywhere, and that's not how I want to think about it. While waking up this morning, I mentioned it to Jeff. I said "I don't want to think of it that way, or even think of the anniversary like that. 'Wow, look what I've/we've been able to do!'". And he said "Look at it as a growth time. You've grown in 2 years." It's true. I've thought for so long about my siblings, when they got to marriage for 5 years, 10 years, whatever, that it becomes a sure thing, and you can sit back and relax.
Instead, I’m happy to have had this growth (hahahaha, context). I first wanted some alone time today/tonight to do some dinner or something. But instead I'd rather have some people over for ANTM, and just celebrate and be happy. Plus I hear there's some good eats in southern Utah. OMG vacation in 2 DAYS!
- so what's up?
-
- rostin79
- September 10th, 2008
it's been awhile. though life is swimming along. I order the full-framed glasses, which i'm hoping to get today. I keep checking my phone to see if i missed a call from the eye place. I'm so excited! When going in to make my final decision, I was still on the fence, until I spoke to the woman that worked there. She's uber nice and perfect for helping, giving you all the information you need in a clear manner, and being pleasant the whole time. When I showed her my two favorites, she said "well, I wouldn't suggest the half-framed glasses based on your prescription. We don't guarantee the lenses will fit in those frames, and suggest going with full framed glasses. So then i was done, and ordered them right there. yay. I even got them in the blue color, which is hard to see unless your up close, so they look pretty much black. I loves em.
I had a Labor Day BBQ that went pretty awesomely. Well attended and the day turned out beautiful (I had it on Sunday). It turned into a late party, which is how they all seem to go now. It started at 2 and ended at 1. Man was i tired. I scheduled a massage for Monday at 9:30, which was my only time slot option, but ug. Having that, which was wonderful, and then coming home to clean from the BBQ, which was fine, but counter-productive to the massage. But I was just on cloud-9 the whole day.
And now my new vacation is coming up. I'm loving all these days off, and realize I haven't had many this year so far. Vegas/Utah starts on the 27th (and the anniversary of Jeff and I is the 24th. 2 years already. holy fuck). Flying out to Vegas, and meeting up with Donna from Nashville when we get there. A night in Vegas to see what it's like, and then a drive to the north rim of the Grand Canyon for a night. And then up to Escalante to Jeff's friend a Allysia's place. It's southern Utah, near Bryce Canyon, and I keep hearing how beautiful it is. I can't wait to see it and get in the middle of nowhere and see STARS GALORE at night. And hopefully a big storm. eeee! The trip is for 12 days, so we get back the following Saturday. And then the next week I might have to fly out to Alpharetta, GA to my company's headquarters for some training. We'll see on it, the details are scarce, and we were just told about it 2 days ago. But then the next week I'm scheduled to fly to CT for a few days to visit family. I want to see, if the GA training/trip happens, if I can reschedule and change my CT flight to right after that, so I can just stay on the east coast and do 2 birds with 1 time zone adjustment/6-hour flight. That would be fucking sweet. Of course, I looked into a flight from GA to Hartford direct, and they're the ridiculous $824. What the fuck? Really? So if that happens, I might fly into Boston for that Friday night, and then head to CT on that Saturday (actual dates are moot at this point, it'll be more specific later). So we shall see. I might get to see some of y'all Boston people!
It's a pretty crazy October.
- alls i'm sayin
-
- rostin79
- August 11th, 2008
Jeff is one of the most beautiful men i've ever seen in any position, state-of-dress, or action he may be partaking in. God damn, I'm one lucky bitch.
- track record
-
- rostin79
- August 5th, 2008
My friendship track record has been on my mind the last few days. My friend Brian, who I connected with a bit on the mental thinking level (if that makes sense) headed off for SF this weekend. And it makes me a bit sad. I'm happy for my friends and everything they've done. But it seems that those i'm close to end up moving elsewhere. Granted, it's only been 2 this year, but it's 2 that were up there in my liking factor. I'm not saying that those I have hung out with that are on LJ are any less of friends, or trying to make hidden comments, so I don't want it taken that way. But after Court left (my friend from back east) I just felt kind of scared. And now friends that I've made out here have left too (though one came back :), I'm just apprehensive at really having my big friendship connection be with my boyfriend. Maybe i'm just a bit homesick, friendsick, or something, but I'm just sad by it. I haven't had the best friend track record in my years of knowing people, so those I want to stay close with mean a lot to me. I just wish we could all live in a close area. Or that I had a lot of money and no job so I could travel and visit often.
I don't think i've really understood the concept of "i'm just sad that this (my friend) is gone, but it doesn't mean i'm not happy to have this other thing (other friends) with me." I get it now.
- Dreams
-
- rostin79
- July 22nd, 2008
Somehow my dream last night involved some sort of apocalypse, where I saved Gus, the wonderful gray cat, from certain doom by holding on to him. Somehow the city i was living in became a destroyed Ghetto, similar to children of Men, and I was trying to find people to help me and get away from some BAD FORCE that was entering the area and looking for me.
So I bring Gus to one building, and somehow find people there who are on "my side". yet one of them, a red head kid, has this desire to show me his penis. But, oddly enough, I didn't want to see. I had too many things pressing on my mind, like the crazy shit going on outside. But then again, being inside, i had the "tv-inside-makes-the-outside-world-freeze" rationale, so I knew i had time to discuss things. Gus went and pooped on the floor, because I couldn't let him outside. And I wanted to keep my eye on him, since i was afraid he would get agitated from being held so much and just run away. But he was all i had left.
So then my dream morphs from the naked red head to being on a plane with another guy piloting. We're flying around the city, near a bridge over troubled water, and he goes close to see what the enemy is doing (and who the enemy is remains a mystery). But we get too close to the water and crash. But this crash entails the craft (similar to Top Gun plane) to dive in the water, and skim out, so that we're still intact. I get out of the plane calling for the pilot. He's still underwater and unconscious. I'm not sure what to do. So while I call for him, my view changes to that of the bridge we were near. On it is a big truck thing coming toward us that is holding this flexible, mushy container of water. They get to the closest they can to the crash on the bridge, and a man, Hillary Clinton in a dress, and another older man who I first thought was John McCain get out. But then I realize it's not him, I just thought it was him. They talk about how they're going to do this, and Hillary yells "We have to get in there!" So the non-John McCain guy then says "Well ok", grabs a big knife, and slices through the mushy membrane holding the water/liquid. It pours down onto the bridge and into the water in a huge wave, carrying the 2 guys and Hillary. Once in the water/river, they start swimming toward my craft, and i notice Hillary is wearing a dress and shoes and still swimming, intent on coming to help me.
And I wake up. So weird. Gus was sleeping beside me the whole night.
- my heart's still there
-
- rostin79
- July 9th, 2008
Just back to work today. I spent the last 5-1 days in SF (one of those being in Oakland...meh).
I loved loved loved it.
Orphan Andy's
Men's Room
the Mix
Mr. S Leather
Pier 39
the Muni
23rd and Castro (where we stayed)
24th street
Pomodoro
Irish Coffee
Ice cream
Haight Street
Golden Gate Park
Mother-fucking YAZ!
sigh. I want to go back.
- thought
-
- rostin79
- June 30th, 2008
maybe cats are the key to enlightenemnt
maybe alanis can help me with this
something about her talk on howard stern struck a chord with me, as has her latest album, without me knowing it, or looking for it
and looking at this picture of Gus, i can't help but see something else there in his eyes
maybe it's the caffeine high and the quickness of my thoughts, but i find it funny when anything of issue in my mind (usually something about sex) can be easily conveyed as fine once I reach here
my enlightment has been put on hold the last few months, for reasons unknown to me, other than my ego trying to gain control or me needing a plateu period to just let myself settle in the current climb (or rest) but i feel ready to move on
or move up
- yay and nay
-
- rostin79
- June 30th, 2008
pride weekend - a big yay
sun this weekend - yay
did i mind the heat and humidity? - nay
pride parade - ....nay
solstice parade last week? Yay
seattle center after-parade? yay
fountain splashing? yay
being in my underwear? yay
mario kart? yay
dyke march/party on Saturday? yay
hangover sunday morning? nay
excitement for going to SF this Friday? YAY
Excitement for George Michael on Wednesday? YAY
excitement for 4 day week? YAY
excitement that summer is here? yay
work? nay.
- i did it!
-
- rostin79
- June 24th, 2008
i think i unlocked everything in Mario Kart wii. at least from what i can read so far. Talk about anticlimatic. Well no, i did squeal last night, but it was at the end of a time trial on Ghost Valley 2. Now my Mii can wear overalls, or cute dresses!
Besides that, life is good. I am trying to learn GarageBand (Jeffery is doing a sort of music group for a couple of us to train us) and also setting up a nice challenge for a cooking club, and cookin a mixed grill with Cherry Cola BBQ sauce. Nummers!
- BBC: The Office and Extras
-
- rostin79
- June 13th, 2008
I've been watching both lately. First was Extras and Jeff said "You HAVE to watch the BBC Office" and both star, of course, the wonderful Ricky Gervais.
Oh my god, I cannot stop laughing. The BBC version of the Office totally beats the US version. I don't know why they had to remake it, and not just show it. And Extras is just high-larious. Love love love them. Even the language flows better than the US shows I've watched of late (BSG, 4400, etc).
That is all.
- crazy shit
-
- rostin79
- June 13th, 2008
it's Friday and already there's some weird stuff happening. Tim Russet dies of a heart attack, R. Kelly gets off, and the floods in Cedar Rapids just look bat-shit crazy.
Locally, we have more cubes in my areas, it's becoming quite cube-farmy, which isn't something I love. eh, we'll see. it's good for hiding out though. No one can find me now...
I wish I could unlock everything in Mario Kart Wii, but I detest both the Expert Ghost racing aspect and the grading aspect. If you come in first, you come in first. I don't see why you should be graded on that. Winning 150cc and Mirror cups, coming in 1st each time is luck of the draw as it is. yikes. And I want all my karts unlocked. Though I remember doing that for Double Dash. And when I won the All-Cup race on 150cc (or was it Mirror? It could have been) by one point...christ, I think I took pictures. But I'm in full addict mode, as is Jeff. We've probably clocked an average of 2 hours a night playing, every night. And it's not the best thing to do before going to bed. I'm so sleepy. Speaking of, I should get some coffee.
Ah there we go. Thanks Uptown, yummy. So also I think my weather widget is lying to try and make me feel better. But it seems to be wide spread. Remember on Monday-Tuesday when it said it would be sunny and high 60s/low 70s by late this week? Yeah, each day I come in, the current day forecast is mysteriously "changed" to low 60s / high 50s and cloudy. Each fucking day. Though yesterday has some nice sunniness, it doesn't make up for the lying. Bastards.
But regardless of that, I'm glad it's Friday. I wanted nothing but to stay in bed curled up with Jeff and/or kitties. I make a warm blanket!
This weekend (Sunday, I think) I'm helping to plan a baby shower. Me. Weird. Though this is really a sort of un-baby shower, since the parents-to-be opted for Jeff and I to host the shindig at the house, so it won't be typical baby-shower-fanfare. But still, I have no idea. Jon (the dad) recommended showing Rosemary's Baby or Raising Arizona. I have seeing RA in AGES. It used to freak me out a little, when they come out of the mud.
Lastly, I watched this YouTube video of Dolly Parton's "You Better Get to Livin". Cheesy? Yes. But it spoke to me. I had a big Dolly love yesterday.
- post-sex
-
- rostin79
- June 9th, 2008
or so it feels. Damn apple for their ability to lure us in and help our wanting needs. I'm even considering how to sell my current iphone so i can get the newer, better, cheaper one. And i can't focus. I feel like Christmas just ended...which is why we are here in the first place, right?
The racing game looks fun too.
- suggestions
-
- rostin79
- May 27th, 2008
LJ People of San Francisco, I am asking for your help.
From July 4 - July 8th, Jeff and I will be entering the city (well entering Oakland, as that's where Southwest travels to). The main reason for the trip is the Yaz concert in Oakland on July 7th. What my ultimate idea would be is to fly to Oakland, stay in SF for the nights of July 4, 5, and 6, and then head to the concert, stay the night in Oakland, and fly out the next day.
My question to you guys is, what/where are good places to stay/stay at? Suggestions? Locations? Hanging-outings? Does my plan even seem feasible? (I moved to Puyallup thinking it was close to Seattle. I question everything now, since distance and time to travel are not related).
- maybe it's the full moon
-
- rostin79
- May 20th, 2008
i'm so fucking frustrated today. Work is just nuts. I don't understand how functionally something can work 3 days ago (well last friday) and supposedly nothing has changed, and now i get error messages. I wonder why i have feelings like i'm going crazy. And it just can't work with a nice error message depicting what's wrong. it has to be as generic as possible. I'm hoping this doesn't turn into another 3 days of testing with 6 people to find out it's something someone did 8 months ago and didn't know how the hell to set up a customer. Blah blah blah
I just try to remind myself the work day is almost done, the work day is almost done.
Today was: Eligibility testing (boring), support testing (ok fine), and new functionality testing, along with trying to schedule an appointment tomorrow for a Dr. Doug, who hasn't been getting back to me about insurance coverage (because there are usually more hoops to go through than a cut-and-dry "this person is ok to see" insurance approval), and, well, just a grumpy mood. I feel not being here would help the grumpy mood ease. And the gym, too.
Breath, breath, breath
- "Oil tops $129 for first time, heads for $130"
-
- rostin79
- May 20th, 2008
Headline on MSNBC. Thank god they help me remember numerical order.
- i'm so tired of band-aid's
-
- rostin79
- May 19th, 2008
I've used more in the past month than I can ever remember. And I should have one on my right-hand ring finger, but i refuse. So each letter typed (and backspaces) don't feel that great. That one's a cat scratch. Between those, the Wart on the finger, and now my issue with walking up concrete steps, I've had them on like it's going out of style. I wish they could be packaged better.
Beautiful weekend, though. So it doesn't bother me much. Friday I walked around downtown a bit after work, and picked up some new flip-flops and shades at A&E, and met Jeff at the e&c for a drink before home. I don't even remembered what happened that night. hm.
Saturday I dropped Jeff off at work and met up with Brian. He suggested going kayaking. I thought I had done it once before, but i think it was just modified canoeing. This was different. We went out through Lake Union, through the Cut, where I flipped over and couldn't really handle the choppy waves all that well. I found that if your kayak is full of water, it's even harder to steer, especially when you don't have your balance right. An experience. We went to the arboretum area to the semi-nude bathing area of gays and dried off a bit in the sun. My clothes almost got dry. Then headed around the arboretum area in the calm waters, which was fantastic. Some beautiful areas of this city in a perspective I've never seen. And then a trip back. But I only fell that one time. Yay.
After that was done, I was just in a haze for the rest of the day. We showered and went and hung out at Volunteer park in the shade, and Jeff's Brian came and joined in for a little while. I then headed home, vegged, picked up Jeff from work, and we headed out to the Cuff and met up with his friend Peter and his friend Mike. I was a little nervous of this endeavor, but so tired I didn't care (thank you blissfulness) and had an excellent time with them. There was an invite of us to meet up with them at Peter's house and, well, who knows. But I said I had a wonderful time, my eyes were drooping, and in terms of comfort, i was so happy with how things had gone to this point, I felt it a great breaking point. Jeff said later he wasn't sure if he wanted to go over there (but is usually up for anything) but was glad to just go home and veg, since he had to wake up early and work again on Sunday. I was just happy to have this experience with someone I've not been able to categorize before, have it be a blast, and help realize the worries aren't fact, nor do they really need much backing from me. It's all about fun. It was great. And then some excellent sex happened.
Sunday i just lazed about. Did some laundry, had a drink at the Jeff's bar, had a BBQ with some peeps, and just relaxed. my whole body was sore, and i have some nasty bruises forming all over my legs. And then, at Madison Market, I fell going up the concrete stairs into the garage, and scrapped my ankle, which is still bleeding a bit more than a what I thought a scrape would. My injuries seem to get more severe, but seem to be about the same pain i've been used to when I was younger. Tolerance or something?
Today I'm still sore. And i realize i brought my gym clothes, but no socks, and wore flip flops today. Hm...what should i do. Might be a day for weights at home!
- yaaaaawn
-
- rostin79
- May 14th, 2008
so in other news of me, today is a weird work day. we're trying to get some functionality done and out to some beta sites, but i think the realization of expectations is it won't happen today. And i'd like it to continually be learning lessons for those managers who want it NOW NOW NOW, that, as with all software we've worked on recently and forever ago, you need to have a better idea of how long it takes to get things working.
But what can ya do but grin and do what you can, really. So I sit and wait for the fixes so I can test some more. Maybe learning will happen, maybe not. Maybe it's me who has to learn.
Tonight is the ANTM Finale! I'm actually kind of excited. I'm all for team Anya, but who knows. There seems to be this growing want for plus-sized Whitney to win (oddly, it's the second plus-sized model named Whitney i've seen on the show since i started watching threeseasonscycles ago. Suspense!
In terms of mentality, i'm feeling even better today. I schedules a theRAPIST appointment for next week, however there is some loops to hop through in getting that squared away. Apparently theRAPISTS don't like the network I'm in through my work, as they're bad at paying them. And in talking with the network people to get clearance/acceptance on seeing Dr. Doug (as his is called) is proving tricky already. A phone conversation today showed more hoops than one from yesterday, and that's annoying as all hell. But I spoke with Dr. Doug, and he seemed nice and easy going so far. I'm hoping i can meet with him and see what's up, and start focusing on me without my regular distractions. I feel like i'm echoing some ofbender772's words from a little while ago.
I also watched the second episode of the 4400 and the Care Bears (ha, i typed Bares first) Movie last night after a gym ass-kicking. I'm calling the 4400 the x-files-men. With a mix of really bad CSI writing put in. The Care Bears movie (did it again) brought back a lot of childhood feelings and nostalgia. All in 77 minutes.
Oh, one of the developers just came in, and now i have people swarming in and out again. i swear there are some analogies there i could make. What would yours be?
- fears fears, a magical juice
-
- rostin79
- May 13th, 2008
the more you drink....oh i'm over it.
but not the fears. Jeff came back from his zen-ish retreat the past week, having taken some time to look at himself, and came up with something to discuss with me. He said, paraphrasingly "To really be happy, i think we have to let one another do whatever we want, with respect to the other. and should allow each other do to that. I give you free reign to do whatever you want to be happy, and i will be here to share it, or when you get back from it. I'll be jealous if i'm not there, but i'll want to hear all about it. And all i ask is to have the same freedom."
And he means it for me. I am free to do what i want. Have i taken this freedom? Not really. Not of anything without him, except for some massage happy endings. That I could wish on anyone.
But in these conversations we've had many times, it boils down, for me, from me, and only about me, to sex. Sex scares me. I thought it didn't, and i thought in my years of single-ness i had explored it a bit, but i really didn't. I created more rules for myself, and made them concrete in my life. I created fears in just hooking up and getting STDs, and with moving here, some of those fears even came true (thanks Chlamydia) further enforcing those fears.
I see logic as well. I don't see one person being everything to someone. And with that, why would you even want to be? You can invite other aspects in, enjoy it yourself or in a relationship. you can share so fucking much. And then i think of it happening, and first my stomach gets upset, and my heart starts pounding. But then i feel ill and nauseous, and I can't shake it. I've read that fears get louder because it's an unknown, and it's a threat to the conditioning we've created to try and protect ourselves. One aspect of that for me is the idea of keeping friends as non-sex people. I actively separated that from my life, where if i hooked up with someone, eventually i would fade them out as friends. And of the friends i have had (and still have) i've suppressed sexual urges and thought "no, i'm not messing this up, i'm keeping it fully platonic"
And when i think about it and discuss it, i don't want these limitations in, on me, or around me. There's an untapped world out there, and i even found someone who wants to share it to a degree with me, and show me things i never dreamed of. And my mind screams, and my eyes tear up, and i can't even think straight. All urges of sex fade away, and i just get consumed by it. and I don't know what to do.
Jeff and I have discussed these limits ad nauseum, sometimes it goes very well, and sometimes it doesn't, as my fears want to grab at various possibilities, squish it to the ground and piss all over it. And i feel stuck. I wonder if it's what i want, or am i doing it to try and please someone else. Both are true. but i beat myself up over it. Both Logic and Fear inside me are powerful, and have used what they want to make me feel like a selfish idiot trying to control life which isn't controllable. or at least slow things down so i can see what's up and not just float with it.
There's some validity in it, and some sense that i need to slow down. i see this, and i'm trying not to let that small real voice inside get lost as is easy to do. i do want various things, and i want to explore, and see what's up. There have even been a few situations where some sex exploration has been presented, and i've been all for it, but it just didn't pan out. That's so amazingly awesome, and i try not to forget it (but, like this, I do).
And right now, it feels like some part of me has died, in a way. But that's not the right way to say it, but the closest relatable feeling i have to it. I actually feel like a bunch of new emotions and possibilities have come into my mind, and i'm scrambling to classify and clarify them so I know which way is up, and i have nothing to compare them to, as it is so different from where i was before. I see no solution but to notice it and grow with it. I accept my fear, i see it. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it taking up 80% or so of my thinking moments in the day. The weird part is, I don't know what it is i'm even thinking. It's not of betrayal, or loss, or things happening that i don't want. But just that pit in my stomach, a sort of displeasure of where I am to where I'd like to be. But it's displeasure of not recognizing what's there, and just assuming what's there is bad and wrong. Bad and wrong. bad and wrong. And now, i can even see it circling in this entry, where i started, explaining it, and back to where i started.
What i want:
1. To be free of fear. To recognize it and not let it control me, and decide, when it's present, to do or not do what is available to me.
2. To allow people to do whatever they want. To limit people can only cause frustration (unless that is what's wanted in some situations).
3. To stand up and say what I want. I so easily fall back and let others decide, and have for years and years. I want my voice
4. To realize what I don't want, which is a continuation of step 3.
- omg gross!
-
- rostin79
- May 9th, 2008
- so it begins
-
- rostin79
- May 5th, 2008
my week as a bachelor. I took Jeff to the airport yesterday morning and waved adieu. It's a great feeling, actually. A little excited and curious at the whole prospect. I know get to see how I do in the house, takin care of the cats and doin stuff by my self-some. Though my sleep patters have suck last night and the night before. Peggy, the tabby cat, was all for mewing and being all over me at 5:30 this morning. Ug. And i kept waking up in the night all hot and sweaty. I hoe it's not a sickness and just tiredness, but i'm a bit achy today and just weird-minded. But I keep in mind my routine is now shifted completely and just see where it goes.
Yesterday was so nice. A walk around the arboretum was excellent. And I would have loved to drive around a bit, but I just wasn't feeling the mood. Also the story of Okami has now really engulfed me, especially since I beat what seems to be the big boss already, and I'm maybe halfway through the game? I have no idea where the story is going from here, but I'll find out later. It has some excellent writing.
The AI in Mario Kart, though, is a fucking bitch. Why did they do this? I don't get it. It's one thing to make them tougher, but to give them weird speed boosts at all times so they can always be on your tail, no matter what you do? Please. I guess asking for reality in Mario Kart is a ridiculous prospect, but man it gives me a headache.
That's all i got.
- mkart
-
- rostin79
- April 29th, 2008
um wow. it's fun, yes. lots of fun. But Mario Kart online is fucking crazy. it makes it a new game for me. The prospect of racing up to 11 other people, and no AI in there either. Typical MK AI that keeps everyone in their place in the lower ranks, and makes the top 2 or 3 have special catch-up ability. But this is a crazy cloud of 12 people just going through, and you never know who will win. And it makes Brawl online feel like complete shit (which it pretty much is). Props to Nintendo.
And damn do i like Koopa Cave.
Note to self: don't play this until midnight and then go to bed, expecting to have restful sleep. yikes.
MK code: 3351-4465-5621. Lemme know yours.
- okami and Mario Kart Wii, oh my
-
- rostin79
- April 28th, 2008
now it will be interesting. I actually have 2 games at home that I want to play, which is a first in a long time. Okami is a blast to play, and weird, but in a way that keeps me going. And the concept of restoring the earth is fucking beautiful. I've developed a big appreciation for Japanese watercolor art types (and I could have some of my nations wrong in what I'm liking as well, something I want to work on). The style and overall concepts of gods and art and community seems complete for me. A style that seems comfortable, inviting, stylish, and classy, all that the same time.
Mario Kart Wii is a hoot. I'm not digging the wii wheel, and opting more for the wiimote + nunchuck, and may try the Wavebird later today. But it's got some fun courses, and Jeff and I were kicking each others asses yesterday. I want to unlock more! Something about the game doesn't have the amount of finalized polish that I'm used to in Nintendo games, though, especially Nintendo's Nintendo games. The menus are sort of angular and drab. I think it’s just not my style, or I'll get used to it. Double Dash was my first big Mario Kart in a long time, after the SNES Mario Kart from 10+ years before, so DD is where my comparison lies. I love the jumps/tricks, and the bikes are nice, though I have to work on my wheelies. Anyone wanna come over and play?
- Dinning and Hanging over
-
- rostin79
- April 25th, 2008
Last night was the Dine out for Life, and a group of coworkers, Jeff and I went to the Pink Door in Post Alley to Celemebrate. I think the name brings images of female anatomy to my mind. But that’s ok. I like dirty thoughts.
Before heading there for the 6:30 reservation, I met up with Jeff at his work and had a drink there, a Pomegranate martini. Mmm mm yummers. And some water, mm mm water! Then we strolled through the windy, cold evening around Pike Place to kill some time before eating, and ran into Shannan, one of the people joining us for dinner, and her husband. So we headed in and decided to sit and start drinking early. So I had another cocktail, this time a concoction of their own, a raspberry martini with some raspberry puree and a bourbon-soaked cherry. Nummers! After that I had a Manny's. Time to cut back, you see. Mix this with lots of bread, appies of cheese, a meal of Pink Door Lasagna (mmmm, and more cheese), bread and lots of water, and you find me at home, feeling good, and drunky, and spending lots of $$ for LLAA and the meal. Yay.
Forward to today and...ug. My stomach just won't be happy at all today, and I feel so sleepy. It's not a full on ache hangover, but just short of that. Where my head doesn't hurt, but I feel nauseous and sleepy all day and my concentration is nil, except for when I want to write about how I'm feeling right now. I want some gym (which is kind of nuts, but I do) and some lay down at home. And after that no idea what would be in store for the evening. I have "Lisa & the Devil" and "Tekkon Kinkreat" from Netflix, both which sound very interesting. I'd love to actually do something outside, since it's sort of nice/warm out...but I don't know. If I feel like this later, I won't really be a party person and enjoyable to the masses if I did end up out somewhere. But that is still hours away.
- sore and sorer
-
- rostin79
- April 22nd, 2008
after my regular cardio-esque workout last night, which has moved to the STAIRMASTER for 20 minutes as I want my butt to look good :), I opted to do some crunches and pushups. And my sides and chest are feeling it today. woo hoo!
I'm now tasked at work with a project that, the last time I was tasked with it I was really, really pissed. It's not really suited for my job, but it was a "no one wants to do it, so why not put it on QA" type deal. Fine, it gives me leverage here. But what made it bad was it was tasked on me on top of my other stuff, without any room in my schedule to do it, just to "do it, it shouldn't take you long" Um, yeah, it took me 2 weeks just working on that.
So this time, I made it loud and clear I didn't have the time to dedicate to this project unless it was fitted into the schedule. And I kept saying that. Well it needs to get done, and though not fully in the schedule, I did get some days cleared to do it this week, though I'm off to a slow start. It seems our IT department (the manager of which is also the manager of this extra project) has now run some scripts on all computers in the company that prevent it from communicating with various servers. And, yep, I need to communicate with these servers to test and work this stuff I'm supposed to work on. So it's that classic cycle, one step forward, 2 steps back. But what can you do, besides just be more vocal. and it seems to work!
Okami is an excellent game. There are some quirks about it, but it's very pretty (+1), a great story (+1), and has some great humor that was translated well, unlike some other classic games (+1). Some waggle issues (-1) and camera angles (-.5) harp on it a little, but I've taken it as a learning curve, and the story and prettiness compensated for it. And the music is excellent (+1) and who doesn't love feeling animals so they show hearts for you whenever you pass (+100000000).
Last night I saw the movie "God Grew Tired of Us". It was produced by many star people, and was a documentary about the Lost Boys of the Sudan, who fled from their country during a civil war to two places, and eventually entered a refugee program with the US and went to various parts of our country. Their aim was to have a better life and do something. And really, only one person got that. Here's what I took away from the movie:
- the Catholics have really infiltrated the African nations like woah. Missions are rough. Half of Sudan is Christian, the other half are Islamic.
- the British fucked up in their leaving of this area and making it a country. According to the documentary, this was just fucked up to have 2 conflicting people need to create one country. Seems the classic formula for civil war
- life without electricity, for the most part, actually seems to make you happier, once you compare it to American life
- one comment one of the Sudanese guys made was about how isolated we are. He mentioned (paraphrasingly) "People here don't talk to one another. We travel in groups, and hang out and chat with people all day. If you're lost, someone can ask you 'Hey, are you lost?' and you show them around. If someone is sad, you ask them what's wrong. Here, you can't do that.' There was even a point where police were called because these guys were going around the town in big groups, which is what they were used to. They were asked to travel in smaller packs.
- the introduction of our "modern" society to people who have never had to learn our customs is a real wake-up call.
- only one person from the movie found a "calling" and major benefit of this program, and that was to create awareness for his country so they can send money to find their families and help them.
There was talk of loss of culture, loss of identity. Torn from your parents, to travel to the US to work 2 jobs, send most of your money to your family, and see quality of life really go down. I wish they were asked which was better, the US part of their story, or the camps they were in before. The documentary is biased to a degree. US will save you/US will haunt you. I'm torn on many aspects of what was presented to see where I'd like things to go. But it's something that makes you think about everything around you, instead of living in the expected haze we find ourselves in day to day.
2 nights ago I had a dream that I made out with Brian, Jeff's best friend/ex boyfriend, and a good friend of mine. I even felt guilty in the dream. I mentioned it to Jeff, and he said what he's always said on the topic and seemingly whenever the three of us are together: "Why don't you guys just go and fuck already. I'll watch." Hahaha. I'd make him join in. If it were ever to happen, that is.
- juno
-
- rostin79
- April 18th, 2008
i watched this last night in glorious ray-blu. I can't get enough of it (the ray-blu) and it's lots of pretty.
it was very entertaining. I loved the concept, the style of the movie, and fuck, Michael Cera is one fine, hot actor and incredible guy. For someone who had so few lines, his expressions were perfect for me. Ellen page did a good job in her role, though I'm not the biggest fan of the "no, THIS music by XXX from TIME PERIOD is the best, and THIS film by XXX is the best" arguments, as it always feels forced. Though that's my projection, as I feel many elements of many people from many time periods are wonderful, and I can't really imagine just sticking to one.
Allison Janney is my girl. I can never get enough of her and her hypnotizing eyes. I could look in them all day. And Jennifer Garner...christ, I didn't think she had it in her. I lost it toward the end, just letting the emotion take of me and tear fill my face. It was touching and wonderful how it was all done and the music was excellent.
- Interesting
-
- rostin79
- April 18th, 2008
An article on msnbc "Nalgene to phase out hard-plastic bottles" is on the front page today, and in the latest Consumer Reports magazine, they had an article about just this, stating this chemical in the plastic can seep into standing water in these containers, and a big concern being for babies and infants and their milk-holders. It made me consciously aware of it since reading the article, and now it seems other companies (or at least Nalgene) are taking action as well.
Weird, isn't it, how as a society we moved to this premo-packaging era of non-stop plastic, and now finding most usage of these are harmful in some way, and we move somewhat back to where we were before.
- practice practice
-
- rostin79
- April 16th, 2008
it's what i read this morning, and what i keep reminding myself. one thing to keep in mind: it ain't a race, and i'm in no competition. i take as much time as i need.
"But i want it NOW" and "now" is important, but not as a goal, more as a state of where to be.
Practice Practice Practice.
- well hello thar
-
- rostin79
- April 15th, 2008
i've been a bit flustered and frustrated the last two days. These urges and wants, but i'm still tired and lazy. My mind and something else are competing for something.
And i just realized: Spring Fever has sprung.
like woah.
- games
-
- rostin79
- April 8th, 2008
April is shaping up to be an interesting game month.
April 29thSatisfies the chaos cravings.
April 27
Satisfies the racing cravings with cute graphics!
April 15thSatisfies "lots of pretty!" cravings.
April 15thSatisfies the wackiness playing cravings (i'm guessing). This one is the rent-er and I'll see how it goes from there.
- 2 bidtits
-
- rostin79
- April 1st, 2008
I am sore all over my back today. My workout last night went excellently, isn't that exciting!? I'm happy with the results coming, and the feeling of strength and this soreness. However I've been hacking up crap too, and now with soreness, I can see that = sickness, or just too much of a good (second) thing, if you know what i mean.
I've been having more than one orgasm at the start of an orgasm (I guess the term would be multiple) where the first one will begin in it's lovely way, fade a little, and then build up and happen again to another peak, and then fall off. I had one instance a few weeks ago where either 3 or 4 happened in one orgasm setting. I couldn't really tell, because by the third one I started laughing, unsure of what was going on. And these are all during sex. The few times before when this has happened have been all with masturbation. I ain't complaining, but i feel like my body is saying "hey, more can be done here" and my mind wants to default to the usual "one and done" Needless to say, I'd like more practice.
Ok, it will be 3 bidtits. I've seen some good progress on my awareness practice, and I'm very happy with where I'm going and what I've been able to see. I'm proud of myself, and will continue to practice.
- weekend update
-
- rostin79
- March 31st, 2008
Most of the weekend was pretty relaxed, with the snow and all. Crazy weatherness. All except for Saturday night. It still had some odd weather, but Saturday night Jeff and I headed down to Tacoma to the Ram to join Court and Adam in a good-bye gathering for them. This morning they left for a road trip back home, on their move back east. It still feels unreal, and I don't think the reality of the situation will sink in for awhile. It might speak of my adjustment here, but I guess it now feels like I’m out here "alone" instead of with someone who knows me through and through. Adam's sister asked me if I was sad that they were leaving, and I said I wasn't really. I'll miss them, but I’m not sad. All the more reason to go visit back east.
Yesterday, with the sun out and the temperature pretty nice, Jeff mentioned going for a walk. So after getting back from errands and crap, we set out for a stroll through the neighborhood, only to be followed by our cats. Peggy, the orange one who rarely seems to leave the yard (I have no idea where she goes) followed us to the next block, seemingly scared with her tail up and shaking a little, but eager to follow, and Gus, the grey adventurous one, trailing behind her. The idea of them crossing the busy streets to follow us didn't sit well with either Jeff or me, and he attempted to scare them back toward the house, hoping they'd find something more interesting to do. But it didn't work. By the third block, we were still being followed.
So we opted to do what any sane people would, and carried the cats around the block. I had Gus, who is quite bulky, but more relaxed at being held. He just enjoyed the views, and only got tense when a dog was near. Peggy kept her mewing the whole trip, but kept still in Jeff's arms, which is rare. She's very peculiar about being held. But once we got to a familiar area for them (at least, where I've seen them. They're free roaming cats), Gus decided it was enough and leapt from my arms, taking some skin with him. I have a nice scratch in my right elbow pit. We then headed in the opposite direction from the house than we first set out, and a woman had a weed cutter going, which did the trick. No more cats following.
I still can't believe I carried a cat to walk around a block.
- 2¢ on the strike
-
- rostin79
- March 21st, 2008
I've had a plus account for months now, and use Firefox with Ad Block Plus. I don't understand why people don't just use this, it makes it pretty much like a paid account with fewer user pics.
sigh.
- fidgety
-
- rostin79
- March 21st, 2008
It might be the best way to describe my mind at the moment. I'm noticing when I work from home on Thursdays, I get this desire to do something out of the house around quittin time. Yesterday, an idea of doing happy hour somewhere came to mind, but when Jeff got home and we got sitting on the couch and chatting, it soon became 7:30 and no thought of dinner yet. We chatted about maybe going out to eat and then getting a drink later, but I noticed as the evening descended, my mood to go out just went away.
And it's been doing that lately. For awhile. I'm not sure why. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, reading the Cheri Huber books and examining my inner mind workings, and fuck I’ve just been exhausted at the whole thing. I see these layers and layers of conditioning, these preemptive thoughts on "how things should be" that were kept at bay for so long, but seem to want to come to light now. It's like the inner Ego is using every last effort to still gain control, rather than letting me just be me and be free. And thoughts of being crazy pop into mind, until I notice many people either are doing the same thing, or catering to the ego to quiet things up. And comparison, by itself, is a conditioning element as well, and should have no part in how I live.
So last night, and over the last few days (oddly enough, the day after the good sex. Maybe it's a serotonin depletion from it?) I've seen that voice inside become very critical, and have noticed it occurs every few time periods, be it a few months, few weeks. It depends, but it seems cyclical. This overly critical mind set just takes over, criticizing how much I talk, what I'm talking about, and how annoying it may seem to others. What's weird is, before this awareness practice, I've taken them as signs to reign in so that I don't become that annoying person people can't stand. I remember when this subpersonality was formed. Around 3rd grade, in Allgrove Elementary, I remember being that kid that just spoke my mind. Didn't have many friends, and my social skills were below those in my class because of it. I even remember sitting at a table with the other boys in my class, asking (begging?) to sit with them because I had no one else to sit with, and they begrudgingly said yes. I couldn't follow their conversation, which mainly dealt with Nintendo games, because I didn't have one, though I tried and lied through my teeth. It was after that that I wanted a Nintendo (and my love for it began, interestingly). But I remember thinking of that time a lot as my years progressed from there, and never wanting to be that annoying kid again, throwing himself into a group of others when it may not be wanted. And thus began this idea of training myself to keep my mouth shut. Over time, I believe my social capability has morphed just on it's own, and not necessarily from this training, yet I still get these constant barragements of "why don't you keep quiet for awhile, you're yammering all the time." And this is what has been going on in my mind the last few days. I've heeded it before, but now I'm actually noticing what it is and how it's working in my mind rather than just thinking this is the Voice within me that must be followed. And when I don't follow it, my mind likes to create possible scenarios of what may happen if I don't, usually ending in some sort of ending situation, be it friends leave, Jeff leaves, something. Something to try and prove to myself that if I don't follow this Voice, all that I cherish will be lost.
And how do I not feel crazy just in noticing this? I want to ask if other people have these same thoughts, but does it matter to me and my journey? Is there really comfort in the sharing of efforts? Is that the best way to find our true selves?
So with all that, and when it happens, my other form of control on myself is to keep myself inside and holed up, which I kind of did. Though the rain really helped on that one too. Jeff and I made some dinner and stayed in, watching "Love Serenade", in which Miranda Otto was fucking fantastic. What a movie.
Be it a low patch or something, I'm just noticing what's up and processing. This awareness practice is intense and challenges everything you know. Doesn't mean anything you know is incorrect, wrong, or bad, but just challenges it. And why not. I was thinking of past entries while I read the book, and seeing that I was doing some of this on my own, but not really sure what I was doing or what constituted as what. And in all this, I’m working on having compassion for myself. No matter what goes on in my mind, no matter how cruel, how mean, how angry, how fun, how happy, how cynical, how judging, it's my mind, and it's what is.
That's is something I keep saying over and over. It's not what you want, what's out there, and what's right. It's just what is. "what is." That's all there is. And I go from there.